Don't dream it's over..

It is over though.
I'm back in the U.K.
I have been back for a whole week now.
I am slowly shaking the strangeness of being back, off. It felt so weird being home, like a hyper-real dream. I woke in my bedroom and looked around what had once been familiar to me, and it felt like staying in a hotel somehow, normal and yet not at the same time. I wish I could explain it better than that.

I went to Okinawa, and despite some drama that I thankfully wasn't directly involved in, I loved it. I then went to Tokyo for the weekend and loved that too.
Then I came back to Tsuyama and realised it was time to stop dragging out the inevitable, that I was going to have to leave Japan at some point; so I booked my plane ticket home and left without much fanfare, but plenty of tears.

Now I have to work on being happy where I am, but if that fails, I need to work on finding somewhere else that I can be happy being.

I need to find a job. So it's time to start fixing my CV, applying for jobs, setting up interviews- the whole nine yards. Except to do all that it kind of helps if you have a vague idea of what kind of job you are looking for. I don't.

I'm faced with being poor again.

I'm back at home with my mum who I love to bits, but it's all a little suffocating when I've been used to my own space for a whole year.

I'm scared that now I'm back, I'll be stuck here for good, and that this is as good as it'll get.

I'm glad to see the friends and family that I have seen so far, but no offence- the novelty of that will wear off pretty quickly and it'll just be business as usual.

I'm already beginning to find it hard to remember why I thought coming back to the U.K. would be a good idea.

Please, please, please don't let me regret leaving Japan more than I do already...



Naomi, me and Sean on my last night in Tsuyama.

I admit this entry isn't filled with the joys of life, but I can't help the way I feel right now...



This is the kanji (Japanese character) of the day that just happened to be on my Google homepage today. Some of it's meanings are kind of fitting somehow.

Cry me a river...

I meant to blog on the day of my one year anniversary of being in Japan, but I missed it.
Monday was my last day of teaching. Whilst giving a farewell speech to the teachers, to my surprise I started crying. A lot.
Yesterday I had my last Japanese lesson with my friend Yasumi. We cried. A lot.
Tonight I'm having a joint leaving party with my friend Eddie. I'm thinking of not wearing make-up as I'm pretty sure I'm going to be crying. A lot. Are we seeing a pattern emerging here?
Tonight will be my last night in my apartment as tomorrow I move out. I'm going to miss having my own space. I'm going to miss living in Tsuyama. I'm going to miss Japan.

I want to channel Barney, a character from the sitcom 'How I Met Your Mother':
"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead", but I can't fake it that well.
A huge part of me is pretty certain that I made the right decision in deciding to return to the U.K., but this whole leaving what has been my life for just over a year now feels like pulling a band-aid off. A gigantic one on my soul.
(Ok- you're allowed to laugh at my melodramatic-ness there.)

As of yet I haven't booked a flight back to the UK. In part it's me resisting the fact that a huge wad of my cash is going to be spent on a ticket back(I know, the parentals can't support me forever); but I guess I'm also reluctant to finally put a date on my departure.

On Tuesday, I'll go to Okinawa for a few days (google it), then I'll come back to Tsuyama for a bit before finally heading home- possibly via Tokyo so I can do that big shiny city again properly before I leave Japan.

I'm going to miss hearing Japanese all around me, and that excitement I get when I understand some of what's being said.
I'm going to miss using random Japanese words and sounds with other foreigners who know what I mean.
I'm going to miss communicating with Japanese people in my version of broken Japanese complete with sound effects and exaggerated facial expressions, especially when I'm understood.
I'm going to miss the weirdness that is Japan.
I'm going to miss my crazy kids.
I'm going to miss the incredibly kind people that I have met here.
I'm going to miss the feeling of being on an extended holiday despite having to work. I'm going to miss Hijiris, Salalu, chu-hi, and American big dogs.
I'm going to miss being a foreigner- as strange as that sounds.
I'm even going to miss my bike- although riding it in the summer was WORK and a half.

I cried like I'd just watched my puppy being run over on purpose on my way to Japan.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to be crying all the way back to the U.K too.

No pictures, no video- I'm too depressed...

Not a real update either

I'm pissed as I can't go to the graduation ceremony at my favourite school tomorrow as I'm currently working at the shite school so have to attend theirs, but surprisingly I was given this by some kids from the shite school. Ignore the mistakes, and appreciate the sentiment, I know I did.

Japan Room 101 Update

Ok- I have been really crap with this blog of late. If your best friends ask if you are ever planning to return home, and you handed in your notice at the end of February, it's a good indicator that perhaps you haven't been updating people as often as you could have...Gomene (shortened version of 'gomenasai'= sorry).

Since I finally worked up the courage to leave my beautiful Japan, I have been mentally trying to prepare myself to return.

It's hard. I swing between wanting to stay, even vaguely looking for other positions and companies in Japan, but part of me is ready for whatever comes next- wherever that may be. I'm due back in the U.K. at the beginning of April.

I had a long entry planned out, detailing my efforts to make myself feel better about leaving Japan by listing all the things that I won't miss about Japan, but I'm feeling a tad lazy, so I'll save that for another entry.

So yeah- start planning the welcome home parade for me, complete with hardcore cocktails on tap, dancing monkeys, fireworks and piñatas; I'll be home before you know it...

Pictures...


A beercan display for Hina Matsuri (Dolls Festival). I admired the commitment involved in emptying all those cans...




I met the artist who painted this- you need to see just how fine and detailed the paint strokes are.


My favourite photo from the Murder Mystery party I went to last weekend.


My latest obsession: collectable miniatures- no one else gets this mania of mine.

Will update properly again soon.

Banana beer and naked men

As per usual I'm feeling kind of random- so this entry will also be rather random.

Current overused Japanese word: 'Kawaii'- Japanese for cute. I hear it so much as the Japanese are obsessed with all things cute. Grown men sport cute little characters on their keychains, adults' cars are laden with soft toys and cute cartoon characters are on display everywhere. Which is why I can walk down the street wearing my Sesame Street bag without a second thought. Even how you say the word itself is cute. I'm
trying to wean myself off of using it indiscriminately. But look at this cute poster instructing you not to enter- don't you feel that you should respect what the cute little security guard is telling you?



My lovely JTEs (Japanese Teachers of English) from the school I love took me to dinner to say thank you for my work with them, and asked me to come back next school year. Were it just my good school I'd work at as opposed to having to work in both the crap school and the good school, I could be tempted to stay...



This picture was taken at Universal Studios Japan on the Jurassic Park ride. The look of fear in my eyes after an seemingly uneventful boat ride is transformed to a mini rollercoaster was genuine. I swore like a Tourettes sufferer all the way down...



This was written by a student of the local high school that many of my current students would kill to be accepted in to. I thought it was kind of poetic...



At midnight I witnessed the insanity that is the Hadaka Matsuri (Naked Festival) in Saidajii. This is where men take to the streets wearing only a fundoshi (think of the thonged nappy that sumo wrestlers wear), they are then doused in cold water and then compete with hundreds of men to get hold of a stick in order to win a cash prize. Yes, this festival has a religious origin, but bear in mind that it is Winter and even with layer upon layer of clothing, it is still stupidly cold... Apparently there is a similar festival for women but not surprisingly it's very rare. This is why women live longer than men.



This entry was partially titled after the wonder that is banana beer, also not to be missed is the wonder that is green tea beer- both can be found at one of my favourite restaurants in Tsuyama- a quiet little place we foreigners call 'Salalu'. Banana beer, only in Japan, eh?

I have yet to officially resign because I still can't bring myself to actually finish my Japanese adventure... Funnily enough my star sign for today echoes this:

Virgo
Even if today's your day off, you still might be thinking about work. You have a choice to make, yet it's hard if you are pulled in two directions. Instead of looking for the long-term solution, try focusing on the immediate satisfaction you can derive when you help others. Doing your current job as efficiently as possible makes more sense than turning your life upside down.

And to close this rambly entry, here's BoA. She's Korean but this song is sung in Japanese.

Sob!

No real entry, just pics from my last day at my favourite school...

The teachers came out to wave me off and as I cycled off I could hear my name being screamed by a bunch of kids. The brass band were waiting on a balcony and played a song for me. The tears I'd prided myself on not shedding so far, fell, I couldn't help it. And then the sports teams came out to line the gates and wave goodbye to me, and as I finally cycled away, with tears in my eyes, the brass band started up again... I LOVE these kids :(

These are pictures of some of my wonderful and crazy second and third graders- the 1st graders generally made me want to consider getting my tubes tied...











And to close, here's some Japanese rock from Monobright

Sayonara...

Minasan ohayo gozaimasu. Sanyu desu.
Kyo wa koko ni iru saigo no hi desu. Getsuyobi ni [insert other school name here] chugakko e ikimasu. Minasan to aenaku naruto omouto sabishiku narimasu.
Watashi wa anatatachi to ishoni sugosete totemo tanoshikata desu.
Anatatachi wa mainichi watashi o warawasete kuremashta.
Tanoshiku genki ni soshte friendoly ni seshite kurete honto ni domo arigato.
Watashi wa korekaramo anatatachi ga itsumo shiwasede aru koto o imote imas.
Anatatachi ni watashi wa keishite wasuremasen. Minasan gambatte!
Sore kara senseigata itsumo shinsetsuni shite kudasatte hontoni arigato gozaimasu.
Watashi wa nihongo ga hanasenainode minasan to communication o torunowa totemo muzukashikatta desu ga itsumo hanashikakete kudasari arigato gozaimashta.

This is the speech I will give over the loudspeaker tomorrow at my favourite school as it's my last day there.
It basically thanks my students for making me laugh everyday, and thanks the teachers who took time out to try and talk to me.

I am so all kinds of crazy about these kids that I'm ashamed to admit I cried a little today at the thought of saying goodbye to them. In class. How embarrassing.
I am a big softy who isn't even considering wearing eye-liner as I know I'll be boo-hooing tomorrow as well. I can't explain how much I love these kids with their crazy funny ways, and I know that in some way they love me too which makes me love them more. Does that make sense?!

I'm the lively, loud foreigner who speaks broken Japanese badly but tries anyway, pulls overly expressive faces to rival Jim Carey (admittedly it's distracting in class time, but they keep begging me to do it), sings on request, loves to laugh, is strange in an oddly entertaining way and occasionally even teaches English sometimes. All this has gained me a considerable fan base at this school. And I love it.

How could it not make me feel good about myself to see faces light up with a smile simply on me entering a classroom? Or when I've been able to help a usually disruptive student feel as though they've accomplished something? Or when I hear my name being yelled out in greeting by several students simultaneously? Or when I hear them conferring with each other in Japanese on how to ask me in English to come back in April in the new school year?

There's also my non demanding and independent life in Japan to consider too. Yes, I feel as though I live in the back of beyond, but I don't really. And yes, I have been known to state that God hates Japan and that its extreme weather conditions which are a bitch to deal with are proof of this- but overall Japan has been good to me. I'm comfortable here.

And yet, I heard a Madonna lyric from her song 'Jump' that spoke to me:
"There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait
The more time that you waste..."

So it's onwards and upwards I guess- wherever that is..

Now, please ooh and arr over my pictures from last weekend's snow festival and our Australia Day party.


A snow sculpture of the Japanese lucky cat.


Eddie and I brave the cold. And it was cold. Stupidly so. Saw my first ever real snowflakes complete with intricate patterns.


Fireworks from the snow festival.


A merry Jane at the Australia day party- check out her t-shirt...

And that's all folks!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

...somewhere else!

Yes, snow's all fine and dandy when you're wrapped up nice and warm indoors, it even has its place if you're inclined towards winter sports, and apparently we all dream of a white Christmas, but I'm done with it already. In my next life I'm coming back as a bear so I can sleep right through winter.

I've been crap with this blog of late- partly because I've been obsessed with completing my first knitting project- a scarf (finished it late last night!)- spending hours doing nothing but peacefully knitting away; but partly because I've put my brain on autopilot for the time being.

I'm still unsure about whether to stay or go somewhere else so I've momentarily just stopped thinking about it. If you ask me about it, you are greeted with a grating screech from me because I have no concrete answers.

There isn't much to tell- I'm being kind of antisocial at the moment, as being social usually involves me leaving the warmth of my kotatsu (a low table with a heater placed underneath it, and blankets over it which you sit under) which I have grown steadily attached to.

Now- wasn't that an entry worth waiting for?!






Before...



After...



Brr...chilly.



I like this picture because it looks almost unreal somehow...

And that's all folks!

Making My Mind Up

So- the first entry of 2008 finds me back in Japan after 2 weeks back home, drunk at 3am ish, and about to sleep in an internet cafe again.

Great opener, huh?
I am all kinds of confused right now, and it's not just the copious amount of booze in my system talking. I have to decide whether or not I stay in Japan for another year and I have to do it soon.

If you had asked me a few weeks ago whether I was going to recontract and stay another year, I would have said no. I was so sure. But now...
I'm wavering. I'm seriously considering staying. And I'm not even sure why. It's like my brain has been hijacked and is doing its own independent thinking. On crack or something.

I'm racking my brain trying to find out what the tug is, why I don't seem in such a rush to quit Japan anymore and I still don't know. I'm making lists over and over of pros and cons- and yet I seem unable to say firmly yes or no. It's possibly fear of the unknown, of what comes next if I leave Japan. Or...I don't know. But our final contracts are due to be sent out in February. Yes or no. Heads or tails. In or out.

Admittedly not the most cogent of entries- (I'm finishing this entry in the morning still somewhat drunk), but hey, no typos! :)
I will do a proper entry later today.

To close, here's a band my third year girls dig, EXILE.



And here's a random German dance band I discovered last night via a very cool Irish bartender called Bryan in Okayama- Modeselektor.
Check out other tracks such as The Dark Side Of The Sun and Godspeed and turn up the bass!



By the way, Happy New Year to you all...